Joseph Nwauda’s Story: My Journey of Self-Discovery and Accepting My Sexuality

Hello, I am Joseph Nwauda and I appreciate you taking a few moments to read this with me. 

Many have described being gay as demonic, while others go so far as to call it a cult. Can you believe that? A cult! But I don’t see it that way so. I’d like to take this opportunity to share with you my amazing journey of self-discovery and how I accepted my sexuality. 

You see, coming out was never something I thought I would do. I never imagined that I would openly identify as gay. If someone had told me that this would be my reality, I wouldn’t have believed it.  

I know some of you would be wondering but this dude use to like women what happened I remember one person even asking me, ” But bro, I never knew you were like this” It caught me off guard because I’m still the same person. I haven’t changed or become someone different.  

I promise not to bore you, so let me take you back to the past. Yes, I did like girls and boys. I know, it might seem impossible to some of you, but there are certain things in life that you never forget, and this is one of them. and I don’t think I will ever forget it. As a child, I had feelings for boys, but I never expressed them. Chill, I’m not trying to confuse you, but rather sharing my story with you in the hopes that it might be helpful. At that time, you could say that I was bisexual. The way I feel about guys now is similar to how I felt back then, but with a slight difference. Why? Because I never imagined myself kissing a boy, although I did eventually do so.  

Now, let me explain further. I grew up in a very religious household, yes I mean very religious, and because of that, I never imagined anything “nasty” or impure. Then I was around 3-5 years old, as far back as my memory can take me. As a child well, to be exact 5 years. that how as far back my memory can take me. I would talk and play with the girls in the class, play with them. But I also had a best friend who I spent a lot of time with. I would get jealous if he was around other guys, and I believe I mentioned this in my previous article.  

And someone might be wondering, “How are you gay? Why are you gay? How come?” 

As I mentioned earlier, the way I feel for guys now is the same as when I was much younger, but back then, I didn’t picture anything like what’s up today. In this article, I will be making an open confession and discussing some explicit topics. Viewer discretion is advised. 

If you have read my previous article here: Navigating LGBTQIA+ Coming Out Challenges in Nigeria: My Story  

There I shared my story of coming out story along with a brief summary of my past. However, I didn’t delve into the details because of personal reasons. Nevertheless, I will share a part of it now, but it won’t be the entire story. So,stay tuned for my next instalment. 

Initially, I never thought of myself as gay. I am not writing this for you to accept my sexuality. As I came out to my family, parents and friends, which was the worst and most foolish decision I ever made. but well, it has happened. I don’t expect acceptance of them or from anyone reading this. I don’t need your acceptance cause looking at myself I try to find self-love and acceptance and I ask myself why not accept yourself cause no matter what you do or how you please people, as people can never, please you, no matter what you do. 

Now, going back to my story. As a kid, I never knew what being gay meant. Yes, I liked boys, but to me, it felt normal. However, I used to get turned on by girls, which I remember clearly. Back then, You see then the gay part of me was less prominent. Why? Because I remember I pushed any attraction I am developing for a guy towards a girl. Oh yes, I had a girl that I didn’t much well like and a guy I did like. So my trick was, I push all my feelings for that guy towards the girl. And you may ask, did it work? Well, I would say yes and no. Why? You see pushing all my feelings I have towards a girl for a guy worked 85/25 percent.No matter how hard I tried to push the feelings towards a girl, I was still always attracted to guys no matter what. However, the secret to how I was still considered  “straight” was that I suppressed the gay tendency and focused on the ones I couldn’t suppress (the remaining attraction for guys that can’t be pushed). In other words, I grew up liking boys and pushed my feelings towards a girl. Therefore, I was not attracted to every girl.  

If you have read this part I would like to appreciate your reading and would like to tell u that you have 1,118 words more to go well likely. 

My gay tendency began to grow and release itself from the cage it was trapped in, sarcastically speaking. Well, I haven’t really dated any guy, but I have dated a girl, though I wouldn’t call it a date. I had to experiment a little to come to my final conclusion about my sexuality, which you are going to see in a bit.  

Moving on to the question Martin asked me “Bro why don’t girls turn you like Boobs pussy”? 

Well, Martin I, if you are reading this, then this is my answer to your question. Girls used to turn me on. Like I said earlier, not all girls, and for those who know me or grew up with me, I was never attracted to boobs. When I say not all girls attract or turn me on, I don’t mean in terms of beauty or how sexy they are. Girls attracted me in different ways, starting from friends, the normal feelings you feel towards every other human being. We have romantic attraction and the last one, sexual attraction. Oh wow, so you are bisexual? Well, no. If you are following me in this article, I said every feeling I had towards a guy, I pushed towards a girl, including sexual feelings. Because I am not going to make this article really long, I will answer Martins’s question. I had a girl, one last girl, whom I loved. Well, it was a few years back, she might be reading this. And when I loved her, there was also a guy I loved then more than her. So I was still trying to find self-acceptance, so I was pushing every feeling I had for this guy to her because then I was religious and the Bible and what it says here:

• Leviticus 18:22: “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.

• Leviticus 20:13: “If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.” 

• Romans 1:26-27: “For this reason, God gave them up to dishonourable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.” 

• 1 Corinthians 6:9-10: “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God 

so I couldn’t imagine liking a guy and being a minister of God at that time. So I pushed all my feelings to her because something attracted me to her. Something I cannot explain. And to make everything short, she turned me down (broke up with me), and trust me, I was heartbroken. Really broken. And that was when the gay tendency that was imprisoned in me found an escape route and began fighting my heterosexual tendency. My feelings for guys started growing and growing. Trust me, I prayed and did all kinds of things to let these feelings go away, but they didn’t. Rather, they grew more and more. I lost my feelings for girls. I tried dating another girl, even tried having sex with one, but I wasn’t turned on. Straight sex no longer turns me on. Everything. And as religious as I was then, I prayed and prayed and prayed, even told a priest, though my parents didn’t know. He told me to say the rosary and visit the blessed sacrament every day, but the feeling kept growing and growing until I made a self-discovery and self-acceptance. 

Stay tuned to know more and read more by signing up for my newsletter and being the first to know when I make a new post. 

If you have any questions for me, you can drop them in the comment section below anonymously or email me at josephnwauda@lerionjakenwauda.blog to ask me any questions, and I will address them in my next article. Thanks for reading. 

Happy Easter!